Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, that you’ve got the world bythe balls, the universe comes along and slaps you up side the back of your head. Saying, “Uh uh uh. Kristen, you haven’t fully figured this life lesson out. Time for you to experience it again and let’s see how you do.” And right now, all I can think of is great, another fucking life lesson. Welcome to today’s lesson: self-sabotage. That’s right. I said it. Self-sabotage which sometimes takes on many forms and fascinations in my life. Today’s episode is brought to you by not good enough.
But in all seriousness, I fucked up guys. I really fucked up and I don’t know that there will be any healing that comes to the relationship I just poured gasoline on and then lit a match to. I’m not going to be discussing what happened in detail because well, it’s a private matter. I’m telling you that it happened because when I can get out of my own way, I follow a simple set of criteria to prevent situations like the sabotage I just created for myself and someone I care about.
Here’s what the problem is with self-sabotage, if you aren’t self-aware, you rarely see it for what it is until it’s too late. Then the damage is done. Those feelings of not being good enough are sneaky bastards. They get into your head and can mess with you until you start believing it. When you have lived for a long time in “not good enough” even when you think you are past it, there can be flare ups.
The first and most important preventative measure that you can do is be kind to yourself. Stop the negative talk. Disrupt it anytime you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts. It can take time to shift your brain without working on the subconscious level, but just by saying “no I stop thinking that way or I release this negative belief” and then replace it with a positive statement that reinforces what you want. I know this is old school, but it can be a very effective mindset tool. Anytime you disrupt something negative, whether it’s thinking or anxiety or whatever, it allows your brain to start creating new neural pathways in your brain until those pathways shift away from that kind of bad thinking. Sometimes it can be too late and you go down the road of “not good enough”.
So here comes my recent experience. I got angry; finger pointed and blamed this person. My perception of me not being good enough was so jaded, I took what I saw and fit it into a scenario that supported this belief. (I know I’m crazy when I’m irrational, who isn’t?) It wasn’t until this person said listen to what I’m saying. This is the reality. You have the choice to believe me or not believe me. That’s when I took a breath and thought sweet baby Jesus what did I just do? My mind went “what just happened?” I recognized that I did not feel deserving of this kind, respectful, open, and trusting relationship. I did not accept that this person was giving me all those things because I went into not good enough mode. So please, please, please learn from my own mistake. If you are blaming and pointing your finger at someone, it’s time to check yourself and ask. What role do I have in this situation? I’m not saying there aren’t situations where you aren’t responsible for part of the problem, but most times, you have joined in on the creation of it. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling?
What triggered this emotion?
Is it really that person, or is it me and my perception?
But before even the finger pointing, anger and feeling those negative feelings, which is no way to handle a situation, you should try something different. You know what does work? Communication. That’s the very thing the two of us had discussed on many occasions and did not happen. Then again it happened poorly after the incident happened. How do you handle a situation like this and talk instead of yell? You use words like “I” and “me” instead of “you”.
What I could have said was hey, I saw this, and I felt this way. Can we talk about what is actually happening because I’m feeling hurt and scared (or whatever it is that you are actually feeling)? This is appropriate behavior in a hard or painful situation.
If it’s a feeling of not good enough and you remain stuck in a situation like a relationship, a bad job, or not giving 100% to your business, you need to assess the situation. Is comfortable uncomfortable better than an unknown comfortable. Yes it’s scary and could be worse, or it could be so much more amazing. Again, stop the negative thinking and then write out the steps you need to get to your goal. In the morning, think about what you are going to do today to reach that goal that you created for yourself. This, I feel is what actually “living the dream” should be about. Living authentically every day moves you to your goal. I hope this advice takes you one step closer to reclaiming your free spirit.